


On My Own

by TevinterPariah



Series: Seblos One-Shots [1]
Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Character Study, Gay Disaster Seb, Hero Worship, Insecurity, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Pre-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Seblos, Song: On My Own, Takes Place Around 1x03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:40:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21884659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TevinterPariah/pseuds/TevinterPariah
Summary: Carlos pulls Nini into a twirl, demonstrating the choreography to Ricky, but Seb would give anything to be in her place in that moment. He found himself wishing lately that Carlos would give him some private dancing lessons like he did with some of the other cast members. Seb had lessons with him and Ryan’s actor, but Carlos usually ended up dancing with him because Seb picked up on the choreography too easily. To have the chance to spin across the stage with someone as talented as Carlos would be a dream come true, but that was something he could only pretend about on his own.- - -Some 2am introspective set around episode 01x03 on pining Seb who has hero worshiped Carlos since Brigadoon but has recently realized it’s more than just an admiration
Relationships: Carlos/Seb Matthew-Smith, Seb Matthew-Smith/Carlos Rodriguez
Series: Seblos One-Shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1576519
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	On My Own

**Author's Note:**

> I watched the Les Mis: Staged Concert recently and was like I need to write an angsty pining Seb fic about his feelings about thinking Carlos is way out of his league 
> 
> It honestly breaks my heart though that there’s barely any Seblos content. We are a tiny growing fandom still but like like if this was any other show we would be getting so much more content so I guess I gotta write it myself rip

> “I love him but only on my own”

* * *

Seb watches the bubbly choreographer work out the choreography for ‘Breaking Free’ from afar as he plays the notes on the ivory keys in front of him. He’s glad that he’d played this song too many times to count on the old piano his parents let him bring out to the barn. He’s played the High School Musical soundtrack for his cows as long as he could remember, and this had to be the moment it was all for, so he wouldn’t screw up as he found himself distracted by the glowing dancer across the stage from him.

Carlos pulls Nini into a twirl, demonstrating the choreography to Ricky, but Seb would give anything to be in her place in that moment. He found himself wishing lately that Carlos would give him some private dancing lessons like he did with some of the other cast members. Seb had lessons with him and Ryan’s actor, but Carlos usually ended up dancing with him because Seb picked up on the choreography too easily. To have the chance to spin across the stage with someone as talented as Carlos would be a dream come true, but that was something he could only pretend about on his own.

* * *

This wasn’t a new feeling, he had admired the choreographer since last year’s production of _Brigadoon_ where he played Archie Beacon, Carlos’s character’s father. They had scenes together and made small talk, but they were never close as he had wanted. Instead, Seb often found himself hiding in the back and staying late at rehearsals to watch Carlos in his element. Carlos stole every scene he was in, even when it wasn’t ‘his’ scene, and he looked so safe and so at home. 

He would watch Carlos hanging out with Brenna, the then senior dance captain, during all of the five’s they took, and he wished he could be with them. He never had the confidence to even try and be accepted by Carlos outside of the scenes that they were forced to perform in together by the libretto. He was content to watch Carlos and Brenna be their authentic selves in the theater, something Seb hadn't truly found for himself until he stepped into the glittering pink heels of Sharpay Evans. 

However, he knew that Carlos wasn’t like that the second he stepped off the stage. At least, he used to not be himself, but that was before Miss Jenn. He used to steal glances at Carlos in chemistry class, where Carlos would hide in the back and tap his pencil to whatever song he was softly humming as if he was mentally choreographing a number for himself. Carlos used to sneak off at lunch to the library and watch dance videos as a way to hide the fact that he felt utterly alone.

Seb knew that because he used to sit across the library from Carlos as he watched his own videos. He wished he had the confidence to approach the choreographer, sit beside him and watch the choreography of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers together.

Carlos tried to hide his light and his true self because he was scared of what people would think. Seb would give anything for Carlos to show it because Seb saw so much of himself in the other boy. Carlos seemed like the more open, authentic, version of himself he strived to be and prayed Carlos would shine his light beyond the stage, for the both of them. Thankfully, Carlos eventually did. 

* * *

He had admired the dancer for a while and his openness at rehearsal made him feel comfortable to be himself. Carlos was probably the most openly queer person he knew, which was incredibly bold for the Greater Salt Lake City area. And Carlos was the whole package: a killer fashion sense, a triple threat in the performing arts, a heart of gold, and an exceptionally handsome guy to top it all off. Carlos being Carlos made him feel safe to be Seb, the real Seb, the one that only came out in the barn where he felt free to express himself to the fullest. The barn was his safe space, free of judgment and fear, but Carlos made the theatre his safe space and over the past semester, the rest of their school.

Carlos’s fearlessness inspired him to do the same and was the reason he even considering playing Sharpay. If Carlos had the confidence to be the student choreographer and be loud and proud of himself, his interests and his sexuality, Seb could have the inkling of confidence it took to audition for one of his dream roles growing up. Carlos blossomed more and more each day as choreographer, and Seb was all too happy to watch it happen. 

He at first thought it was merely admiration for the dancer, but as the semester went on, it was turning into more than mere hero-worship. He started to wish he was in whomever’s shoes Carlos was dancing with at any given moment. He started wishing that whenever the cast didn’t listen to Carlos that he could go comfort the choreographer with words of love. He started trying to plan his outfits based off things that Carlos expressed he liked when reviewing costume options . He even started messing up the steps in rehearsals, so he could feel Carlos’s hands on his shoulders to stabilize him or have the other boy walk him through the steps. He was desperate. 

* * *

But Carlos didn’t like him, he was sure of it. He was sure they only talked and hung out due to pity and necessity, why else? Carlos probably just saw him as a joke, what kind of guy would have wanted to play Sharpay Evans? He also was an awkward, closeted farm boy and Carlos deserved his own Ryan Evans, who could dance, dress, and sing just as fabulously as he could. Somebody who wasn’t him. 

He was content to just play the piano from afar and watch Carlos dance with other people and dream it was him. He had to stick to the status quo right? It was better to keep things as they were. The production certainly didn’t need any more drama or showmances. With homecoming coming up, he knew things would already be a mess for the drama department, and even in his wildest dreams Carlos wouldn’t ask him and there was no way he would get up the courage to ask Carlos. He related to the Evans twins in a lot of ways, but the confidence Sharpay had to talk to Troy was not one of them.

As he continued to play ‘Breaking Free’, he knew Carlos’s world would keep on turning and the boy playing piano was probably the furthest thing from Carlos’s mind. He had to accept there would never be prom pictures, no date nights at the Eccles Theater, and no whirling romances. He was doomed to be the Eponine to Carlos’s Marius forever. Seb would love Carlos, but only on his own. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my trash 2 am introspection part 2 content and I am quite sorry for the angst, it was one of those nights


End file.
